I have been thinking about my travels since I left Asia, I was supposed to be gone for a year or two and then get back to the struggle. It was a struggle that destroyed every fragment of my confidence and belief, I started running and since the moment I stepped on the plane I have kept on going.
I would like to stay that there was some profound reason for my trip, or that I have been transformed by it and that is true in some ways and a mirror for me in so many others.
I have learned to see my faults, my fears and my self-loathing but I still struggle to forgive myself for them. To let go of the hate and shame or the comparisons that prevent me from building something for myself instead of just spending my time running as long and as far as the winds will take me.
I am often reminded of the firsts, the first time I stepped off the plane in Thailand, or the first time I got scammed, the first time I got lost, the first friend I met, the first time I had to make a police report.
Some are good, others not so much but what really helped me and something I still have trouble with is that no matter what happens I will be OK. I’ve been plenty stupid, am boring the majority of the times and have had fleeting moments of awe, wonder and bliss.
I won’t compare my life to anyone else’s because comparison is a plague, it has made me feel less, worse than I am for no good reason. I have to open, be willing to be who I am, be respectful and understanding of that which separates us from each other is always less than how we are the same.
I am a wanderer and seek to be a writer, to take a world I have been holding in my mind and make it feel to a person, the reader that it is real in a way that turns a story into an experience.
I have lived in a world of excuses and distraction but it is time to laser in and let that story be my religion even if I don’t know the details and only have the direction of where I want to go.
So I sat on the beach in Negombo, leaving Asia for a new continent, new country and a new mission to write because there is no other path. That this decision to leave the normal behind, the need or want what everyone else has is OK, that it is the path I need to take, that I have to and what to take.
I am not writing for anyone just putting my thoughts down to make them tangible and real. I want to take the risk that my story and the way I want to tell it is worth the struggle and the risk.
What I will write will suck in the beginning but to take the risk and see the evolution in style and substance is exciting and the only thing that matters. I learned that through the contrast between my life struggling to find work in Canada to that of wandering the world.
I would have never started creating this world if I wasn’t traveling but now it is time to let it go, to not wait for perfection but to just put it out there so that I can learn and grow not just as a writer but as a person. It is time, well past time to make this story my mission, to quiet the doubt and take inspiration from the pain.
What I am writing here is more my journey, just me trying to express my doubts, to quiet the fears so that maybe I can move forward and begin to take the next step in my journey.
I have been paralyzed by writer’s block in part because I am afraid but it is time to stop waiting and start doing so I can make these ideas, story concepts and possibilities a reality, even if I fall, even when I fail I cannot give up I cannot quit because this is the only path ahead. If I leave some other door open I cannot expect to succeed at this.