A 7th bout, being afraid and giving in
I often wonder why someone gets into the ring, often forgetting or not realizing my own reasons for doing the same. Sometimes its a job, other times it is the challenge, a chance to prove something to yourself, others or both.
We all have our reasons, I watch the people I train with preparing for their fights, seeing the power they display, their improving technique and it is humbling.
It took me ages, months to just swing my hip for a simple kick, I just never felt like I belonged in the gym. I was injured for all of April so I couldn’t train or fight but last Tuesday, Bee the owner, muay thai fighter and stick holder asked me to fight on June 1st.
Before this I was relieved that I probably could go this entire time without a fight because I know what it means, the injures that can be sustained and the pain I’d be in when it is all said and done.
I was asked to fight on May 22nd, which means I have 8 days of training before I have to get my ass handed to me. I am afraid, I don’t think I am ready but that doesn’t mean I wont go into the ring.
As of this writing, my legs ache, my neck is sore and my cardio leaves a lot to be desired. Why did I say yes if I knew I wasn’t ready? For me when I first started fighting I told myself I would continue to go fight if I was asked, as long as I was healthy then it was game on and I don’t want to go back on my word for myself.
I have given too often already when it gets hard or when it wasn’t easy and it’s not who I want to be. I say I am a fighter but I don’t believe it, I don’t think of myself as that type of person. I deal with the fear by letting it go. I think by taking the decision out of my own hands in a way and knowing what is about to happen I can still the fear even if it is only for 15 minutes.
The thing is I’ve been here before, feeling this way, scared as hell and just wondering why I am here doing this. All I can come up with is that its a rush, I can channel my fear, my unease for for those brief moments just give into the ring no matter what happens.
That is a powerful thing, just go into the gym and have the trainers say “you win for sure” when you know they are just being nice feels good. In the ring you find out who you are in that moment, I don’t look like much, I’m not that strong, skilled or have the best ring awareness but I will dance.
I will do everything I can to give my opponent the best fight I can possibly provide because I owe them that much. I have 3 days, 6 sessions, 6 runs before I have to fight.
I hope when this next fight happens I can do everyone proud, that no matter how short or long that I can leave it all in the ring. If I can do that, then that’s all that matters.
I don’t want to be a quitter anymore, I don’t want to live being afraid of life or of rejection. I don’t want to be the phantom, there but separate. Muay Thai for me is about breaking past my limitations be it diabetes, in my vision or my skill.
To rise up and for a moment be at the centre is amazing, something I have no words for, that I feel cannot express. It’s like my writing I don’t care if anyone reads this cause this isn’t an article, this is me putting words down to minimize the noise so I can go into this free and clear, maybe I am not ready but you don’t do it only when everything is perfect, you do it in spite of the challenges and the limitations.
So one more time and then hopefully another and another because I need to have the ability to keep getting up pounded into my psyche so I can fight, so I can dance in the other aspects of my life that I have yet to really explore.
